Monday, November 16, 2009

There is no pain greater than the feeling of an empty heart.

I am not doing well at all. Everything is coming down on us at once. I posted yesterday that I was going through something with one of my daughters. Actually, there are 2 different situations with each of my daughters. The hardest to deal with is the younger of the two. Back in High School, she started using drugs. She knew what I had been through, all of my kids basically grew up in a 12 step program. Right before her graduation I had to get something from her room, and I found a strange box and looked in it and there was all the paphenalia for drug use. I confronted her with the box and she admitted to me that she had gotten hooked on the pill Oxycontin. That is the worse drug they ever put out on the market. High School kids think it is harmless because it is a pill. They think that pills are OK, and only hard users and junkies do things like heroine or cocaine. When I got clean from heroine, I went cold turkey. I detoxed my self from a $200. dollar a day habit. It was horrible. She asked me to help her detox and I did. She got through graduation OK, and instead of moving to her fathers right away she decided to stay with me for another 2 weeks. I was resentful, at the time I had been clean for over 10 years and her father had 6 months sober but she felt he could help her more than I could. Whatever. Since then, she found out that heroine is much cheaper than Oxy's and easier to get. She has been using IV heroine for about 2 years off and on. She will tell m that she has so many months clean and she is doing good, but when I talk to her I know the sound of a junkies voice. When she comes up here, she knows I look at her arms for track marks so she doesn't come up anymore. The last two times she came up, she asked to spend a few days to visit with us, but later told me she needed to detox again. Both time, I detoxed her. I had been in enough detox units over the years to know the dosage of methadone to detox someone. I gave up some of my pain meds to detox her. I would rather be in pain to help my child get off of heroine. Well, she is using again. She is denying it up and down, but I know. I lived it. The lies, and then another lie to cover the first lie and so on. I found out that when someone asks her what happened to her pay so fast, she has been telling them that she loaned me money but I haven't been paying her back. I was wondering why so many people in the family were treating me so badly. She has also told her father a number of lies that I know of, God only knows what she's told him that I haven't found out about yet. I really need to talk to him. When we split, it was a friendly split. We still remained good friends and turned to each other for support when one of us needed help. Over the years I took him to meetings and gave him numbers of rehabs to try to help him get sober. The friendship started to break down a while ago, my current husband was pushing way too hard for him to pay child support. he didn't even have a job. I know he loves his kids, but at the time he was caught up in the drugs and alcolhol. Even with that we still talked. After she moved there, he became so nasty with me. He stated to treat me as if I were the person he hated most in this world. Now that I found out about the lies my daughter has been telling him I can understand why. I talked to her today on the phone. She was high. I could hear it in her voice, she was slurring her words, she couldn't follow the conversation, at one point she "nodded out" (basically fell asleep) in the middle of a sentence. I could hear her drifting off, then silence. I had to keep yelling her name into the phone and then she "Oh, oh, mom, mom. hold on" and she humg up. She called back a few minutes later and tried to tell me that my cell phone was cutting out. Unfortunately, I  know the one and only thing that works, but it is the hardest thing for a parent to do. I have to totally cut her off. As long as she has family to turn to that will enable her, she will not get better. My parents did that for me. They took my 3 kids and cut me off. At first, they let me come up to the house to see the kids, let me shower and give me something to eat. Sometime they even let me spend the night. (I was homeless for 2 years). Finally, they cut me off totally. No phone calls, no visits, nothing. Once they did that, it only took 6 months before I hit rock bottom. It is hard, I am so afraid of getting "that" phone call in the middle of the night. I have to do it though. For her sake and for mine. One big problem. It is impossible to let one of your babies go without it breaking your heart.
So much more has happened in the past 2 days that I feel that I just can't handle it anymore. I can't do it. I want to give up. Be done with it. I hate to say this, but among the many things that have happened, I am beginning to realize who I have to stand by me and support me. She is a little black cat named "puppy" because she acts more like a dog. Since a few days before I went into the hospital, and ever since I have been back she has not left my side. She leaves to eat and use the litter box. If she hears me get up to go into another room, she comes running to find me. I have spent my day depressed, crying, and also angry. I have been laying here with a huge hole in my heart and soul, so depressed that I can't talk. At one point I started to tear up and I didn't want my youngest son to see me so I went into the bedroom. I have been this way all day, and my husband hasn't noticed, hasn't said anything, when I asked him to please feed the cats, he complained because his legs hurt. I really don't think he has noticed. There is much more that has happened and I will be sure to fill you in tomorrow and it will shed more light on my situation.
I need a miracle. I need strong prayers. I need something to break in my life, but for the good.
I am glad I have this to come to so I can get things off my chest and off my mind. Unfortunately, my miracles and my breaks from God seem to come in 3 year intervals. My last miracle, my last break was back in March. By my calculations I have at least 2 years before I get another one. I don't think I am strong enough to make it. Right now, I am only staying here for my kids, I am not that selfish. I wouldn't pray for that just for their sake.
Sorry for being so depressing.
Soft Hugs to All
Laurie D.

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