Saturday, November 28, 2009

I'm the reason...I'm the evil demon!

I'm the reason...I'm the evil demon!

Hello. Let me introduce myself my name is FM aka Fibromyalgia.
I reside in the muscles, joints and brain of your loved one.
I can make them miserable with pain. I attack at any time all over and different parts of their body.

No one knows where or when I will show up next.
I might feel like a sharp hot poker, sunburn from the inside out,
or maybe a twitch and other times I can hit with such force I can stop them in their tracks.

Your loved one might be talking to you and suddenly
will not be able to find a word they would normally be able to come up with.
They may feel frustrated and embarassed it's such a scary feeling to think your losing your mind.

Don't think because you can't see me that I am not there.
I'm always here. I'm the reason plans may get cancelled without notice.
I'm the reason your loved one might need time alone to cry and then
other times need to be engulfed in your love .

I'm the reason they might seem fine one minute and in terrible pain the next.
I'm the reason they might shoot out of bed in the middle of the night in pain.
Your loved one will wake up in the mornings and sometimes can't get out of bed.
They will have little energy fairly often and not be able to complete simple everyday tasks.

The thing is your not able to get rid of me just yet.
But until that day comes I will continue to live in your loved one
and keep all of my promises.

Love FB aka Fibromyalgia.

What do you think of the face lift?

OK, I am starting to get somewhere thanks to the help of my blog friend "Alice". Thank you very much.
I still would like to add two elements to my page. I would like to add a pic of a purple ribbon, it is the symbol for Fibromyalgia Awareness. If I can get a purple ribbon that says that, even better.

I would also like to add a pic or a symbol that displays my Christian beliefs. I was a bit bothered by the fact that when I was looking through the different gadgets that are available through blogger and google. There were gadgets titled "deviant photos", Virtual Stripper" and quotes by people who I feel are not exactly going to talk about christianity. It took me forever just to find the "Inspirational quotes" gadget again. I just goes to show what the world has become.

Anyway, in the meantime, if anyone can tell me how to add a pic that is not an option of the pre-programmed gadgets, I would appreciate.

Now, I have been holding on to something that I have wanted to post, but needed to wait until my blog was worked out.
Soft Hugs to All
Laurie D.


Please pardon my appearance, during renovations!

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Hopefully, new blog coming soon.

Due to the mess that my blog has become, I think because my computer was recently possesed, I am going to create a new blog. Hopefully with the help that was offered by one of my blog friends. If possible, I will try to keep the same name (I like it).
So, please don't give up on me. I want to get this going again, I NEED to get this going again. If nothing else, it helps me get things off my mind.
See you soon in a new and improved format!
Soft Hugs to All
Laurie D.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

What happened to my blog?

I hope someone who reads this can help me. I logged on tonite to blog, and my page is all wacky. It is partiatlly pink with purple lettering and the rest has turned to black with pink lettering. There is also a strange looking pattern running down the right hand side, and my side bar attachments are over lapping one another.

Well, I have been thinking about starting a new blog anyway, this one was my first attemp, and not very successful. Except for the fact that I found a few new friends in the process.

Once I decide on a template for my new blog, and a name, hopefully I will be able to use the same or come up with something more creative. I will let my blogging friends know of my new site.
Meanwhile, I will be poppng in and reading your blogs as often as possible.

Soft Hugs to All
Laurie D

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Feeling so much better today.

Hello everyone,
I appreciate those of you who have put up with my whining.

Today has been so much better. I feel better physically and mentally. Finally.

The tooth pain is gone and we may have found a way to have all of the dental work covered 100% except for a $15 co-pay each visit. This is awesome news. There is no way I could afford to have all that work done with out this.

As for my daughter, she is still using, but I have given her to God. I had to remember that when I was in her situation, God watched over me, protected me, and brought me out the other side with a great deal of wisdom to offer the people who are trying to get clean and sober today.

I have been VERY busy with last minute Avon sales and specials, trying to get my books out on the holiday schedule which doesn't allow much time to prepare them in order to get them out on time, but I have to admit, working with my kids in a mini production line preparing the mailing was alot of fun last night. It isn't often that I have both boys home at the same time, and even rarer that we are working together.

I finally felt well enough to get up and clean the kitchen myself today (I wish I could have done it blind-folded, it was that bad). Now, if I can manage to get my family to help me keep it that way at least for a few days, so I can spend a day on the living room, a day on the dining room, and a day on the bathroom. Mondays and Tuesdays are bedroom and laundry (when my husband has off)

Along with everything else, I was feeling pretty bad about myself as a parent. I felt as though I failed my kids. Until last night. When my oldest son came home last night, he came into my room to let me know that he was home. He wanted to talk. He will be 18 in January, and he graduates High School this year. He told me he knows that the social security he gets from his father will stop and instead of him moving out into his own apartment, would he be able to have the upstairs to himself like an efficiency apartment. He wants to pay us rent to help us so his little brother won't have to move again and also so he won't have to move out of this school district because it is a good one. Our upstairs has his bedroom, full bathroom and a large room that we planned on turning into a recreation room. Since the latter never happened, he said he will use that as his living room, and just have to use the kitchen. I told him of course he could stay as long as he wants, and not just for his money. Then he asked (sheepishly) if he could have a room mate. I said, that I was assuming it is his girlfriend. He said yeah. I told him as long as they keep it clean, and she would have to work as well, I have no problem with that.
This is when I realized that I raised a pretty good kids. My oldest daugter is doing very well, in her own apartment with her fiance and her 2 cats (her babies) my youngest has a sweet heart and soul. He is very gentle and timid. My other daughter is doing what she is doing, and I can't help her because she lives with her father. He is in denial of the situation and until we can work as a team to try to help her, she will continue. All in all, I felt much better about the job I have done as a parent.
I have my moments, but I know that God has been very good to me. I have 4 healthy, beautiful children, a roof over my head, and food and water. He always meets our needs.
Sometimes I forget to be greatful. But not today.

Soft Hugs to All
Laurie D.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Medical problems and a lousy doc.

I still feel like I am alone and lost. Puppy is still by my side though. ALL the time. At least I have her, but when she wants to exercise, she wants me to play fetch with her for hours. I sometimes have to hide the little stuffed pumpkin from her, she responds when we tell her to "get the mouse" because it all started with a patch of fur from a deer tail that looked like a mouse.
I have learned some more about the condition that put me in the hospital that I "really" didn't want or need to know.  The main concern was my abnormal EKG. It had "prolongation of the QT" I had no idea what that was, or what that meant until yesterday when I talked to my health coach. She explained it this way.  The lines on an EKG are lettered P,Q,R,S,AND T.  Q and T fire electrical impulses that regulate your heart beat. When the distance between Q and T are at a normal range, Q fires to let the heart know to beat taking blood in, and T fires to let it know to let blood out. When the distance from Q to T are prolongated, they are too far apart, so Q fires, the heart lets blood in and it is waiting for T to fire but it isn't. The heart gets confused and starts to beat abnormally, then T fires too late and it is too close to the time for Q to fire again. Because of this it creates a "chaoitic" heart beat. I know, that was long and boring but it is how they explained it to me. The biggest problem with this is there are no early symptoms and sometimes no symptoms at all. I went into the hospital feeling sick and had left sided pain and numbness. This had nothing to do with the problem. I was told that it could happen at anytime, no warning. It can be brought on by food, electrolyte imbalance, stress and exertion. It could cause dizzyness, lightheadedness, fainting, becoming unconscious, and even sudden death. Thank you Keystone for telling me that last one! I'm depressed enough. I think the worst part for me. My husband either doesn't understand the seriousess of this, he is just blowing me off, or in deep denial. I am not getting any response or help from him. I am scared. At least until I see the cardiologist again and find out what exactly is causing this and if there is anything we can do about it.
This morning I went to see my primary doctor to ask her to do a thyroid function on me. First, she argued with me that she felt I didn't need one. I had one a year ago and it was normal. WELL, circumstances have changed over the past year. I have a strong family history of Thyroid disease, my potassium levels keep dropping, and I am gaining weight at an unbelievable rate.
She then argued with me that the EKG issue is no longer an issue. I told her that my last EKG (2 weeks ago at my cardiologists) was borderling. Normal/Abnormal and anything could have caused it to go either way. She still argued that because her EKG in Sept was normal. OK, I am getting a little steamed. Keeping my cool though. When the topic of my Fibro came up, that is when the steam came. I have been seeing her for more than a year. Today she says to me, "Honestly. I don't believe Fibromyalgia is a real entity. People who claim to have it just need psychotherapy and so do the doctors who diagnose it" Needless to say, I will be finding a new doc when my insurance changes in January.
It did shed some light on why she is so abrupt with me and is in and out of the room with me like a flash. It also explains why she refuses to fill out any forms from my disability insurance. I need to find a doc in my area that believes in fibro, and knows all that goes with it.
My life is falling apart around me, and now I get this from my doctor. I have so many things, I will talk about them another time.
I feel like I do nothing but complain. I hate to talk to people and I am sure people hate to listen to me. For the past 1/2 hour or so, I have felt sick to my stomach, lightheaded, hotflashes and sweats, and chest pain. I told my husband and his response was "I don't know what to tell you" as he walked out the door to work on his car.
I gotta go.
Soft Hugs to All
Laurie D

Monday, November 16, 2009

There is no pain greater than the feeling of an empty heart.

I am not doing well at all. Everything is coming down on us at once. I posted yesterday that I was going through something with one of my daughters. Actually, there are 2 different situations with each of my daughters. The hardest to deal with is the younger of the two. Back in High School, she started using drugs. She knew what I had been through, all of my kids basically grew up in a 12 step program. Right before her graduation I had to get something from her room, and I found a strange box and looked in it and there was all the paphenalia for drug use. I confronted her with the box and she admitted to me that she had gotten hooked on the pill Oxycontin. That is the worse drug they ever put out on the market. High School kids think it is harmless because it is a pill. They think that pills are OK, and only hard users and junkies do things like heroine or cocaine. When I got clean from heroine, I went cold turkey. I detoxed my self from a $200. dollar a day habit. It was horrible. She asked me to help her detox and I did. She got through graduation OK, and instead of moving to her fathers right away she decided to stay with me for another 2 weeks. I was resentful, at the time I had been clean for over 10 years and her father had 6 months sober but she felt he could help her more than I could. Whatever. Since then, she found out that heroine is much cheaper than Oxy's and easier to get. She has been using IV heroine for about 2 years off and on. She will tell m that she has so many months clean and she is doing good, but when I talk to her I know the sound of a junkies voice. When she comes up here, she knows I look at her arms for track marks so she doesn't come up anymore. The last two times she came up, she asked to spend a few days to visit with us, but later told me she needed to detox again. Both time, I detoxed her. I had been in enough detox units over the years to know the dosage of methadone to detox someone. I gave up some of my pain meds to detox her. I would rather be in pain to help my child get off of heroine. Well, she is using again. She is denying it up and down, but I know. I lived it. The lies, and then another lie to cover the first lie and so on. I found out that when someone asks her what happened to her pay so fast, she has been telling them that she loaned me money but I haven't been paying her back. I was wondering why so many people in the family were treating me so badly. She has also told her father a number of lies that I know of, God only knows what she's told him that I haven't found out about yet. I really need to talk to him. When we split, it was a friendly split. We still remained good friends and turned to each other for support when one of us needed help. Over the years I took him to meetings and gave him numbers of rehabs to try to help him get sober. The friendship started to break down a while ago, my current husband was pushing way too hard for him to pay child support. he didn't even have a job. I know he loves his kids, but at the time he was caught up in the drugs and alcolhol. Even with that we still talked. After she moved there, he became so nasty with me. He stated to treat me as if I were the person he hated most in this world. Now that I found out about the lies my daughter has been telling him I can understand why. I talked to her today on the phone. She was high. I could hear it in her voice, she was slurring her words, she couldn't follow the conversation, at one point she "nodded out" (basically fell asleep) in the middle of a sentence. I could hear her drifting off, then silence. I had to keep yelling her name into the phone and then she "Oh, oh, mom, mom. hold on" and she humg up. She called back a few minutes later and tried to tell me that my cell phone was cutting out. Unfortunately, I  know the one and only thing that works, but it is the hardest thing for a parent to do. I have to totally cut her off. As long as she has family to turn to that will enable her, she will not get better. My parents did that for me. They took my 3 kids and cut me off. At first, they let me come up to the house to see the kids, let me shower and give me something to eat. Sometime they even let me spend the night. (I was homeless for 2 years). Finally, they cut me off totally. No phone calls, no visits, nothing. Once they did that, it only took 6 months before I hit rock bottom. It is hard, I am so afraid of getting "that" phone call in the middle of the night. I have to do it though. For her sake and for mine. One big problem. It is impossible to let one of your babies go without it breaking your heart.
So much more has happened in the past 2 days that I feel that I just can't handle it anymore. I can't do it. I want to give up. Be done with it. I hate to say this, but among the many things that have happened, I am beginning to realize who I have to stand by me and support me. She is a little black cat named "puppy" because she acts more like a dog. Since a few days before I went into the hospital, and ever since I have been back she has not left my side. She leaves to eat and use the litter box. If she hears me get up to go into another room, she comes running to find me. I have spent my day depressed, crying, and also angry. I have been laying here with a huge hole in my heart and soul, so depressed that I can't talk. At one point I started to tear up and I didn't want my youngest son to see me so I went into the bedroom. I have been this way all day, and my husband hasn't noticed, hasn't said anything, when I asked him to please feed the cats, he complained because his legs hurt. I really don't think he has noticed. There is much more that has happened and I will be sure to fill you in tomorrow and it will shed more light on my situation.
I need a miracle. I need strong prayers. I need something to break in my life, but for the good.
I am glad I have this to come to so I can get things off my chest and off my mind. Unfortunately, my miracles and my breaks from God seem to come in 3 year intervals. My last miracle, my last break was back in March. By my calculations I have at least 2 years before I get another one. I don't think I am strong enough to make it. Right now, I am only staying here for my kids, I am not that selfish. I wouldn't pray for that just for their sake.
Sorry for being so depressing.
Soft Hugs to All
Laurie D.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

I feel so bad and sad.

Hi everyone,
Or at least those of you who still check my blog. I apologize to the few blog buddies that I have. I try to follow your blogs as often as possible, and I try to comment. Lately, there is so much going on. I know I posted about my hospital visit and the follow up doctors visits. Lately, I am dealing with a more painful casualty of "methadone" the pain medication I was taking.
I knew that it will start to decay your teeth, and putting 2 and 2 together, it just goes to say that it must have an effect on the bones.
My teeth were never good to begin with, my parents put alot of money over the years on dentist and orthodontist for braces and other work. The methadone has just made things much worse. A few days before halloween, I broke 2 teeth (back right molar and a back left molar). One did not bother me at all the other hurt because when it broke a large piece including some root fell out. Since I don't have dental coverage, and we are very short on money, I nursed that one myself. Rinsing my mouth with peroxide and Listerine after brushing me teeth, everytime I ate or drank anything or anytime the pain would start. That one took a few days and it was fine. Last week the one on the left side started to hurt along with the one next to it. I did the same as I did with the right tooth, but it just kept getting worse. When I started to feel pain in my left ear and started to feel sick at the same time, I had to make an emergency dental appointment and figure out how I was going to pay for it later. I have 2 abscessed teeth, all of my teeth have infection in the roots, my gums are infected, and I have a small boil on my gums. Because of the infection and the Methadone, I also have alot of bone loss. My lower jaw has lost enough bone that it is almost down to the mandibular nerve. The dentist showed me the x-rays at how close it is and if it breaks through I will need to have that area of my jaw reconstructed. The upper teeth have done the same with the bones and they are getting close to the sinus cavities, same senario if this breaks through for the bone as well as work on the sinuses. I need to have all of my teeth out, but the doctor wants to try to save a couple lower teeth to use as a clip for the bottom plate to snap onto and hold it in place. This will last for a while, but eventually I will need them out and have the bottom plate worked on. I decided tojust have them all out and be over with it. I don't want any more bone loss, I don't want any more pain. BIG problem. In order to have all the work done, my health insurance will cover a percentage, but the rest I have to pay. Since we have had so many financial problems in the past 4 years, I don't qualify for a payment plan without a co-signer however,  I don't have anyone in the position to help. I don't know what I am going to do. Please if any of you still read my blog, please pray for me.
I also have alot of emotional things going on that have had me crying most of the day. I am going through some issues with one of my daughers that I'm not ready to get into yet. Maybe the next time I post, or tomorrow I will come on to get it off my chest. I can't bring it back up tonite, I can't deal with thinking too much about it right now.
Please pray for me and my family, we really need a miracle.
Soft Hugs to All
Laurie D.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Hello everyone, I am back again.

Once again, I haven't been on for a while. I know I had posted about being in the hospital, and now I am going from one doctor to another and one test after another. It wears me out and by the time I get home I can barely check my e-mail to see if I had any Avon orders. Even something that seems this simple is wearing me out.
My pain management doctors have changed my medications, unfortunately they increased my dose 2 weeks ago, and on Saturday I ran out. Needless to say, with the meds I take, I went through horrible withdrawl. I had an appointment with him today, and I am finally feeling a bit better.
I had to see a Cardiologist, I saw him last week. He seemed very concerned and I wasn't happy with the look on his face when he was reading my hospital records. (He has been my husband's cardiologist for years, and his son and my son are friends, so I kind of know his expressions). He wants me to get a stress test, I am not sure if I will be able to hold up long enough on the treadmill to get my heart rate up. My legs are getting worse and worse. He also order a "Bubble Test" I am not exactly sure what that is, but he said he will inject bubbles into my heart to see if I have a hole in my heart, and I think he said he can tell if I may have had a mild stroke with the test as well. I just can't connect the two. How can your heart tell you if you've had a neurological problem? Needless to say, I am a bit scared. I've also been snapping at everyone around me. Especially my husband. Some of it is justified, but other times it's not.
Last night the kitchen was a disaster. Everyone one else was getting ready for bed and just ignoring it. They knew I wasn't feeling well, they knew I was having withdrawl syptoms and I am supposed to be taking it easy. I got so disgusted I finally got up and cleaned it. By the time I was done, I was light headed, dizzy, nauseas and I just felt horrible. I made it a point to talk to all of them today and really stress the fact that last night was unacceptable and I need help around here. I can't do it all alone, and they need to step up to the plate and help. Guess what. Everyone is asleep and I just got done cleaning the kitchen. I just don't get it. I understand they are "boys", you notice I didn't say "men" but I have to find someway to get through to them. It's not just me being a clean freak, I am far from that. I can deal with a little clutter, and things out of place. I have 4 kids, I got used to it. But leaving dirty dishes and pots and pans on the stove with food in them goes beyond "messy". It's filth! If I let it go, we'll have several science experiments growing in the kitchen! That isn't healthy for any of us. That's not the only thing. My son and I are allergic to dust  and no one else dusts the house but me. I just can't deal with this much more. I sometimes wish I would hit the lottery, not for alot of money, just enough to get ahead and hire a maid to keep the place clean.
Oh well, it's a nice dream anyway.
I am also getting discouraged with selling Avon. My sons go out and put brochures on all the doors in the neighborhood. I've gotten 2 orders from the neighborhood, 2 from my mother, 1 from my father (because I told him about a watch my mom likes and I told him to get it for her for christmas) 1 from my sister, and 1 from a friend. That's 7 orders in 2 months. And, none of the orders were very large, so I really didn't make anything after I had to order new brochures and supplies. Oh, I forgot, I did get 3 on-line orders, but Avon puts that on your account to help pay any balance or future balance.
Oh well, that's the way life goes sometimes and when God is ready for my life to settle down, it will settle down. I have a friend who is a minister's wife, she tells me I have Job syndrome. That's OK with me. I know how the book of Job ends. Or, like Mother Theresa said "God doesn't give us more than we can handle. I just wish he didn't trust me so much."
I hope anyone reading this is doing well, if your not, keep your faith, whatever faith that may be and everything will work out the way it is supposed to.
Soft Hugs to All
Laurie D.