MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa, Happy Ramadan!

I Think that covers it. lol Please pardon my spelling.

This is a Merry Christmas. I finally broke down and got a USP modem rather than try to depend on my internal WIFI. I have not had a signal in a few weeks.

The kids had a good Christmas, not as many gifts in years past, but they are great and understand that finances are almost nil this year. They are just happy that they got the few items that they wanted most. They are also happy that last night we once again hosted the Christmas Novena. My husbands entire family celebrates the birth of Christ on December 24th. We have the traditional Polish feast of the fishes. NO meat! a lot of seafood, a lot of sweets and deserts.

We try to follow the old world Polish traditions as closely as possible. The first guest to walk through the door must be a man, preferably the oldest male of that family unit. We have the oplatki (communion wafer) blessed and the the Paternal or oldest male of the host family breaks off pieces and gives it to the males who are the head of each household unit, they in turn break off pieces of theirs and give it to their individual family member. When you hand them their's, you give them a Christmas wish. (Peace and health to you, etc.) Then a prayer is said and everyone puts the wafer in their mouths at the same time.

We had a very good time, we did a "Chinese auction" Pollyanna. It is so much fun. Everyone buys a $5 generic gift and wraps it. They all get put in a pile. Everyone gets a number and when your number is called you can take a gift from the pile, or if you someone who went before you has a gift that you really like you can steal it from them. Then that person has the option of stealing from someone else or taking a new gift from the pile. when the stealing starts and you get a bunch of people stealing in one round is when it gets really fun.

Despite the running around and pushing myself beyond what I usually do, we had a great night. The only thing that was sad for me was my 2 oldest, my daughters, didn't show up. My oldest is controlled by her boyfriend. He doesn't think we are good enough. He does everything he can to keep her away from us. He even makes her get off the phone if he comes in and we are talking. I wish she would stand up to him. They had to spend the entire night at is parents, even sleep there. You think  he would concede for Christmas and let her come to see us for a few hours. I hope she gets tired of it soon, but it doesn't look that way. My other daughter called and said she had 3 stops to make then she would be here. We waited, but she never showed up. I got worried and called her (she lives with her father) and her grandmother said she fell asleep and wouldn't wake her up. When my daughter called this morning she was so mad that they didn't wake her up. She said she will probably come home with us after dinner at my niece's house today and sleep over tonight. That will be really nice.

Well, it is time to start getting ready to go to my niece's for my family's Christmas dinner. This one is the biggie. About 25 of us and it is a formal sit down dinner (good china, gold ware, crystal, the works) It is nice though it has been like this in my family for as long as I can remember. First, open gifts, then dinner, then we play board games while the kids play with their gifts. Some people pass out from turkey coma as well. lol

I am so glad God blessed me with a week of not feeling too bad. He gave me the strength and the means to do all that I had to do and for that I am truly grateful.

Happy Holidays and
Soft Hugs to All
Laurie D.

stretch marks!! NO!!!

I caot believe this. I have 4 children and have never had a stretch mark in my life! Now, because of the meds that cause weight gain I am getting stretch marks!! The one strange thing though, one site that the marks have recently shown up is very painful. Sore to touch, hurts when I move in a certain way. Is this normal? Has anyone else ever had this?

Other than that, I am still worried about my cat Puppy. She is sick again today. She gets bouts where she makes a low growling noise, almost like a moan, her stomach distends and then she has a discharge from her vulva. It is a good sign that she is still discharging, but I hate to see her this way. I have an organization in Delaware who is trying to find a vet who will do the surgery at a reduced cost or accept the low cost certificate that I have for a regular spay and accept that for the full hysterectomy. I hope she holds out until January. I just don't have the money to pay for the surgery right now.

I don't have money for christmas. The stress and depression of this has put me in a fibro flare. Something has to give soon. I need a miracle.l

Soft hugs to all
Laurie D.

Rough Week.

Hey,
I was going to try to take the challenge of posting something everyday, but it has been a rough week. I posted before that I have "Job Syndrome" lol. Well, the devil had fun messing with me this week.

First,I picked up my husbands prescriptions, the next day the pharmacy called and said I didn't pay for them. HUH? How did I not pay for them? I can barely walk, I have a cane, so anyone can tell that I couldn't climb over the counter, search through their files, find his prescriptions, put them in a bag, climb back over the counter and RUN off! I went in to find out what was going on (I also had to pick up one of my prescriptions.) Apparently, the woman at the register forgot to press "1" button to charge the purchase to my debit card. Next, I asked for my prescription and the pharmacist informed me that my insurance would not cover it. They sent a message that my insurance had been cancelled as of 11/30/09. Again, Huh?

I called Mediare, there was no problem there, they said Keystone65 dropped me. I called them, at first, they could find no reason for it being dropped, they would look into it and call me back. 2 days later I called them back. They said that I no longer had medicare part B. when I told them I already talked to medicare and I DO have part B, they filed a grievance for me, but could not tell me how long that will take to be resolved. In the meantime I have an automatic prescription delivery due in 4 days, I have no insurance and the meds cost $125.00 that I don't have.

Then, I think I posted before that one of my cats had been sick. I finally got a vet to see her as an emergency and I had a coupon for a free health exam and they let me use that to bring her in. She has a uterine infection called Pyometra. Her uterus is filled with puss. Right now, the cervix and the vulva are still open and she is draining the puss, but eventually they will close and her body will try to filter the infection through her kidneys and they will shut down. I have 3 options and all three of them were followed with the words, Most likely, probably and will. not survive. I left there crying like a baby. My cats are like my children to me. And this one especially. No matter where I am, she is with me. She follows me everywhere. She even follows me into the bathroom and drives me crazy until I let her come up and sit on my lap. That's how attached she is to me.
I have been calling around, and most vets want $1,000.00 to do the surgery. So far I found a vet that will charge me $250.00 and an organization that has vets who work with them to help people who cannot afford to spay their cats and they are trying to find one who will help me with this surgery. So PLEASE pray for my cat "Puppy".

Today, we ran out of Oil, and we had no money in the bank. I was going to pay my water bill (I have a shut off notice) but we had to use the money to get oil and we have to post date a check and they will cancel the shut off.

20 days left until christmas and I haven't even gotten 1 present for my kids yet. Things just keep happening that are costing and arm and a leg and we don't have the money. I have been so upset and depressed. That is probably why I have migraines, pain and feel tired and sick all the time.

I had a problem with my last Avon order, my son almost had a car accident last night and came home white as a ghost and shaking, the car insurance, car payment and rent are all due and that's  just a part of it.

I don't know what we are going to do, or how we are going to give my kids (especially my 11 year old) Christmas this year. The older ones understand, he says he does, but I don't think he fully grasps it. He keeps having dreams that he wakes up on Christmas morning and there is nothing under the tree and the dreams really upset him.

Please, Please, Please, pray for a miracle for my family.

Soft Hugs to All
Laurie D.

The Miracle Prayer

My mother-in-law recently gave me this prayer, written on a piece of paper. I keep it on my nightstand, and almost everytime I go into my bedroom I take a few minutes to recite this prayer. I say it quite often during the course of a day. Hopefully you will print this and do the same. You will certainly feel the presence of Christ in and around you.


The Miracle Prayer.


Lord Jesus, I come before you just as I am. I am sorry for my sins. I repent of my sins. Please forgive me.
In your name, I forgive all others for what they have done against me.
I renounce Satan, the evil spirits, and all their works.
I give you my entire self, Lord Jesus, now and forever. I invite you into my life.
Jesus, I accept you as my Lord God and Savior. Heal me, strengthen me, in body, soul and spirit.
Come Lord Jesus, cover me with your precious blood and fill me with your Holy Spirit.
I love you Lord Jesus, I praise you and thank you. Jesus, I shall follow you every day of my life.
 Amen

Mary, my mother, queen of peace, all the angels and saints, please help me, pray with me and for me.

Say this prayer faithfully, no matter how you feel. When you come to the point where you mean each word with all your heart, something good, spiritually, will happen to you. You will experience Jesus and he will change your whole life.

I had a co-worker who is a ministers wife. She knows how one thing after another, things beyond my control, keep happening in my life. (not good things). She says I have "Job Syndrome". She used to tell me that she can't figure out how, with everything that keeps happening, I keep my faith strong. She said that as a ministers wife, she should have much stronger faith, but her faith was no where near what mine is. I told her it isn't always easy, as a matter of fact it can be very hard at times. But as long as I remember that God doesn't give me more than I can handle, I will be OK. (In the words of Mother Theresa of Calcuta, "I just wish he didn't trust me so much"). And besides, I know how the book of Job ends.

I may grumble and groan about the things that go on in my  life. But, as a member of a 12 step program, we are taught to get everything out. If we think of each thing that happens in our life as a stone, some things are small like pebbles, somethings are very big like boulders, and then all the in between. If we put each one in a sack and carry it around, pretty soon the load becomes too much to bear. But, if you share your problems, write them down, talk about them and just get them out there, your load becomes lighter. Not because the problems have gone away, but because you shared the load for someone to help you carry it. The more people you have in your life who are willing to help you carry your stones the better.

Soft Hugs to All
Laurie D.

I'm the reason...I'm the evil demon!

I'm the reason...I'm the evil demon!



Hello. Let me introduce myself my name is FM aka Fibromyalgia.
I reside in the muscles, joints and brain of your loved one.
I can make them miserable with pain. I attack at any time all over and different parts of their body.

No one knows where or when I will show up next.
I might feel like a sharp hot poker, sunburn from the inside out,
or maybe a twitch and other times I can hit with such force I can stop them in their tracks.

Your loved one might be talking to you and suddenly
will not be able to find a word they would normally be able to come up with.
They may feel frustrated and embarassed it's such a scary feeling to think your losing your mind.

Don't think because you can't see me that I am not there.
I'm always here. I'm the reason plans may get cancelled without notice.
I'm the reason your loved one might need time alone to cry and then
other times need to be engulfed in your love .

I'm the reason they might seem fine one minute and in terrible pain the next.
I'm the reason they might shoot out of bed in the middle of the night in pain.
Your loved one will wake up in the mornings and sometimes can't get out of bed.
They will have little energy fairly often and not be able to complete simple everyday tasks.

The thing is your not able to get rid of me just yet.
But until that day comes I will continue to live in your loved one
and keep all of my promises.

Love FB aka Fibromyalgia.

What do you think of the face lift?

OK, I am starting to get somewhere thanks to the help of my blog friend "Alice". Thank you very much.
I still would like to add two elements to my page. I would like to add a pic of a purple ribbon, it is the symbol for Fibromyalgia Awareness. If I can get a purple ribbon that says that, even better.

I would also like to add a pic or a symbol that displays my Christian beliefs. I was a bit bothered by the fact that when I was looking through the different gadgets that are available through blogger and google. There were gadgets titled "deviant photos", Virtual Stripper" and quotes by people who I feel are not exactly going to talk about christianity. It took me forever just to find the "Inspirational quotes" gadget again. I just goes to show what the world has become.

Anyway, in the meantime, if anyone can tell me how to add a pic that is not an option of the pre-programmed gadgets, I would appreciate.

Now, I have been holding on to something that I have wanted to post, but needed to wait until my blog was worked out.
Thanks
Soft Hugs to All
Laurie D.

Renovations

Please pardon my appearance, during renovations!

Hopefully, new blog coming soon.

Due to the mess that my blog has become, I think because my computer was recently possesed, I am going to create a new blog. Hopefully with the help that was offered by one of my blog friends. If possible, I will try to keep the same name (I like it).
So, please don't give up on me. I want to get this going again, I NEED to get this going again. If nothing else, it helps me get things off my mind.
See you soon in a new and improved format!
Soft Hugs to All
Laurie D.

What happened to my blog?

I hope someone who reads this can help me. I logged on tonite to blog, and my page is all wacky. It is partiatlly pink with purple lettering and the rest has turned to black with pink lettering. There is also a strange looking pattern running down the right hand side, and my side bar attachments are over lapping one another.

Well, I have been thinking about starting a new blog anyway, this one was my first attemp, and not very successful. Except for the fact that I found a few new friends in the process.

Once I decide on a template for my new blog, and a name, hopefully I will be able to use the same or come up with something more creative. I will let my blogging friends know of my new site.
Meanwhile, I will be poppng in and reading your blogs as often as possible.

Thanks
Soft Hugs to All
Laurie D

Feeling so much better today.

Hello everyone,
I appreciate those of you who have put up with my whining.

Today has been so much better. I feel better physically and mentally. Finally.

The tooth pain is gone and we may have found a way to have all of the dental work covered 100% except for a $15 co-pay each visit. This is awesome news. There is no way I could afford to have all that work done with out this.

As for my daughter, she is still using, but I have given her to God. I had to remember that when I was in her situation, God watched over me, protected me, and brought me out the other side with a great deal of wisdom to offer the people who are trying to get clean and sober today.

I have been VERY busy with last minute Avon sales and specials, trying to get my books out on the holiday schedule which doesn't allow much time to prepare them in order to get them out on time, but I have to admit, working with my kids in a mini production line preparing the mailing was alot of fun last night. It isn't often that I have both boys home at the same time, and even rarer that we are working together.

I finally felt well enough to get up and clean the kitchen myself today (I wish I could have done it blind-folded, it was that bad). Now, if I can manage to get my family to help me keep it that way at least for a few days, so I can spend a day on the living room, a day on the dining room, and a day on the bathroom. Mondays and Tuesdays are bedroom and laundry (when my husband has off)

Along with everything else, I was feeling pretty bad about myself as a parent. I felt as though I failed my kids. Until last night. When my oldest son came home last night, he came into my room to let me know that he was home. He wanted to talk. He will be 18 in January, and he graduates High School this year. He told me he knows that the social security he gets from his father will stop and instead of him moving out into his own apartment, would he be able to have the upstairs to himself like an efficiency apartment. He wants to pay us rent to help us so his little brother won't have to move again and also so he won't have to move out of this school district because it is a good one. Our upstairs has his bedroom, full bathroom and a large room that we planned on turning into a recreation room. Since the latter never happened, he said he will use that as his living room, and just have to use the kitchen. I told him of course he could stay as long as he wants, and not just for his money. Then he asked (sheepishly) if he could have a room mate. I said, that I was assuming it is his girlfriend. He said yeah. I told him as long as they keep it clean, and she would have to work as well, I have no problem with that.
This is when I realized that I raised a pretty good kids. My oldest daugter is doing very well, in her own apartment with her fiance and her 2 cats (her babies) my youngest has a sweet heart and soul. He is very gentle and timid. My other daughter is doing what she is doing, and I can't help her because she lives with her father. He is in denial of the situation and until we can work as a team to try to help her, she will continue. All in all, I felt much better about the job I have done as a parent.
I have my moments, but I know that God has been very good to me. I have 4 healthy, beautiful children, a roof over my head, and food and water. He always meets our needs.
Sometimes I forget to be greatful. But not today.

Soft Hugs to All
Laurie D.

Medical problems and a lousy doc.

Hello
I still feel like I am alone and lost. Puppy is still by my side though. ALL the time. At least I have her, but when she wants to exercise, she wants me to play fetch with her for hours. I sometimes have to hide the little stuffed pumpkin from her, she responds when we tell her to "get the mouse" because it all started with a patch of fur from a deer tail that looked like a mouse.
I have learned some more about the condition that put me in the hospital that I "really" didn't want or need to know.  The main concern was my abnormal EKG. It had "prolongation of the QT" I had no idea what that was, or what that meant until yesterday when I talked to my health coach. She explained it this way.  The lines on an EKG are lettered P,Q,R,S,AND T.  Q and T fire electrical impulses that regulate your heart beat. When the distance between Q and T are at a normal range, Q fires to let the heart know to beat taking blood in, and T fires to let it know to let blood out. When the distance from Q to T are prolongated, they are too far apart, so Q fires, the heart lets blood in and it is waiting for T to fire but it isn't. The heart gets confused and starts to beat abnormally, then T fires too late and it is too close to the time for Q to fire again. Because of this it creates a "chaoitic" heart beat. I know, that was long and boring but it is how they explained it to me. The biggest problem with this is there are no early symptoms and sometimes no symptoms at all. I went into the hospital feeling sick and had left sided pain and numbness. This had nothing to do with the problem. I was told that it could happen at anytime, no warning. It can be brought on by food, electrolyte imbalance, stress and exertion. It could cause dizzyness, lightheadedness, fainting, becoming unconscious, and even sudden death. Thank you Keystone for telling me that last one! I'm depressed enough. I think the worst part for me. My husband either doesn't understand the seriousess of this, he is just blowing me off, or in deep denial. I am not getting any response or help from him. I am scared. At least until I see the cardiologist again and find out what exactly is causing this and if there is anything we can do about it.
This morning I went to see my primary doctor to ask her to do a thyroid function on me. First, she argued with me that she felt I didn't need one. I had one a year ago and it was normal. WELL, circumstances have changed over the past year. I have a strong family history of Thyroid disease, my potassium levels keep dropping, and I am gaining weight at an unbelievable rate.
She then argued with me that the EKG issue is no longer an issue. I told her that my last EKG (2 weeks ago at my cardiologists) was borderling. Normal/Abnormal and anything could have caused it to go either way. She still argued that because her EKG in Sept was normal. OK, I am getting a little steamed. Keeping my cool though. When the topic of my Fibro came up, that is when the steam came. I have been seeing her for more than a year. Today she says to me, "Honestly. I don't believe Fibromyalgia is a real entity. People who claim to have it just need psychotherapy and so do the doctors who diagnose it" Needless to say, I will be finding a new doc when my insurance changes in January.
It did shed some light on why she is so abrupt with me and is in and out of the room with me like a flash. It also explains why she refuses to fill out any forms from my disability insurance. I need to find a doc in my area that believes in fibro, and knows all that goes with it.
My life is falling apart around me, and now I get this from my doctor. I have so many things, I will talk about them another time.
I feel like I do nothing but complain. I hate to talk to people and I am sure people hate to listen to me. For the past 1/2 hour or so, I have felt sick to my stomach, lightheaded, hotflashes and sweats, and chest pain. I told my husband and his response was "I don't know what to tell you" as he walked out the door to work on his car.
I gotta go.
TTYL
Soft Hugs to All
Laurie D

There is no pain greater than the feeling of an empty heart.

HI,
I am not doing well at all. Everything is coming down on us at once. I posted yesterday that I was going through something with one of my daughters. Actually, there are 2 different situations with each of my daughters. The hardest to deal with is the younger of the two. Back in High School, she started using drugs. She knew what I had been through, all of my kids basically grew up in a 12 step program. Right before her graduation I had to get something from her room, and I found a strange box and looked in it and there was all the paphenalia for drug use. I confronted her with the box and she admitted to me that she had gotten hooked on the pill Oxycontin. That is the worse drug they ever put out on the market. High School kids think it is harmless because it is a pill. They think that pills are OK, and only hard users and junkies do things like heroine or cocaine. When I got clean from heroine, I went cold turkey. I detoxed my self from a $200. dollar a day habit. It was horrible. She asked me to help her detox and I did. She got through graduation OK, and instead of moving to her fathers right away she decided to stay with me for another 2 weeks. I was resentful, at the time I had been clean for over 10 years and her father had 6 months sober but she felt he could help her more than I could. Whatever. Since then, she found out that heroine is much cheaper than Oxy's and easier to get. She has been using IV heroine for about 2 years off and on. She will tell m that she has so many months clean and she is doing good, but when I talk to her I know the sound of a junkies voice. When she comes up here, she knows I look at her arms for track marks so she doesn't come up anymore. The last two times she came up, she asked to spend a few days to visit with us, but later told me she needed to detox again. Both time, I detoxed her. I had been in enough detox units over the years to know the dosage of methadone to detox someone. I gave up some of my pain meds to detox her. I would rather be in pain to help my child get off of heroine. Well, she is using again. She is denying it up and down, but I know. I lived it. The lies, and then another lie to cover the first lie and so on. I found out that when someone asks her what happened to her pay so fast, she has been telling them that she loaned me money but I haven't been paying her back. I was wondering why so many people in the family were treating me so badly. She has also told her father a number of lies that I know of, God only knows what she's told him that I haven't found out about yet. I really need to talk to him. When we split, it was a friendly split. We still remained good friends and turned to each other for support when one of us needed help. Over the years I took him to meetings and gave him numbers of rehabs to try to help him get sober. The friendship started to break down a while ago, my current husband was pushing way too hard for him to pay child support. he didn't even have a job. I know he loves his kids, but at the time he was caught up in the drugs and alcolhol. Even with that we still talked. After she moved there, he became so nasty with me. He stated to treat me as if I were the person he hated most in this world. Now that I found out about the lies my daughter has been telling him I can understand why. I talked to her today on the phone. She was high. I could hear it in her voice, she was slurring her words, she couldn't follow the conversation, at one point she "nodded out" (basically fell asleep) in the middle of a sentence. I could hear her drifting off, then silence. I had to keep yelling her name into the phone and then she "Oh, oh, mom, mom. hold on" and she humg up. She called back a few minutes later and tried to tell me that my cell phone was cutting out. Unfortunately, I  know the one and only thing that works, but it is the hardest thing for a parent to do. I have to totally cut her off. As long as she has family to turn to that will enable her, she will not get better. My parents did that for me. They took my 3 kids and cut me off. At first, they let me come up to the house to see the kids, let me shower and give me something to eat. Sometime they even let me spend the night. (I was homeless for 2 years). Finally, they cut me off totally. No phone calls, no visits, nothing. Once they did that, it only took 6 months before I hit rock bottom. It is hard, I am so afraid of getting "that" phone call in the middle of the night. I have to do it though. For her sake and for mine. One big problem. It is impossible to let one of your babies go without it breaking your heart.
So much more has happened in the past 2 days that I feel that I just can't handle it anymore. I can't do it. I want to give up. Be done with it. I hate to say this, but among the many things that have happened, I am beginning to realize who I have to stand by me and support me. She is a little black cat named "puppy" because she acts more like a dog. Since a few days before I went into the hospital, and ever since I have been back she has not left my side. She leaves to eat and use the litter box. If she hears me get up to go into another room, she comes running to find me. I have spent my day depressed, crying, and also angry. I have been laying here with a huge hole in my heart and soul, so depressed that I can't talk. At one point I started to tear up and I didn't want my youngest son to see me so I went into the bedroom. I have been this way all day, and my husband hasn't noticed, hasn't said anything, when I asked him to please feed the cats, he complained because his legs hurt. I really don't think he has noticed. There is much more that has happened and I will be sure to fill you in tomorrow and it will shed more light on my situation.
I need a miracle. I need strong prayers. I need something to break in my life, but for the good.
I am glad I have this to come to so I can get things off my chest and off my mind. Unfortunately, my miracles and my breaks from God seem to come in 3 year intervals. My last miracle, my last break was back in March. By my calculations I have at least 2 years before I get another one. I don't think I am strong enough to make it. Right now, I am only staying here for my kids, I am not that selfish. I wouldn't pray for that just for their sake.
Sorry for being so depressing.
Soft Hugs to All
Laurie D.

I feel so bad and sad.

Hi everyone,
Or at least those of you who still check my blog. I apologize to the few blog buddies that I have. I try to follow your blogs as often as possible, and I try to comment. Lately, there is so much going on. I know I posted about my hospital visit and the follow up doctors visits. Lately, I am dealing with a more painful casualty of "methadone" the pain medication I was taking.
I knew that it will start to decay your teeth, and putting 2 and 2 together, it just goes to say that it must have an effect on the bones.
My teeth were never good to begin with, my parents put alot of money over the years on dentist and orthodontist for braces and other work. The methadone has just made things much worse. A few days before halloween, I broke 2 teeth (back right molar and a back left molar). One did not bother me at all the other hurt because when it broke a large piece including some root fell out. Since I don't have dental coverage, and we are very short on money, I nursed that one myself. Rinsing my mouth with peroxide and Listerine after brushing me teeth, everytime I ate or drank anything or anytime the pain would start. That one took a few days and it was fine. Last week the one on the left side started to hurt along with the one next to it. I did the same as I did with the right tooth, but it just kept getting worse. When I started to feel pain in my left ear and started to feel sick at the same time, I had to make an emergency dental appointment and figure out how I was going to pay for it later. I have 2 abscessed teeth, all of my teeth have infection in the roots, my gums are infected, and I have a small boil on my gums. Because of the infection and the Methadone, I also have alot of bone loss. My lower jaw has lost enough bone that it is almost down to the mandibular nerve. The dentist showed me the x-rays at how close it is and if it breaks through I will need to have that area of my jaw reconstructed. The upper teeth have done the same with the bones and they are getting close to the sinus cavities, same senario if this breaks through for the bone as well as work on the sinuses. I need to have all of my teeth out, but the doctor wants to try to save a couple lower teeth to use as a clip for the bottom plate to snap onto and hold it in place. This will last for a while, but eventually I will need them out and have the bottom plate worked on. I decided tojust have them all out and be over with it. I don't want any more bone loss, I don't want any more pain. BIG problem. In order to have all the work done, my health insurance will cover a percentage, but the rest I have to pay. Since we have had so many financial problems in the past 4 years, I don't qualify for a payment plan without a co-signer however,  I don't have anyone in the position to help. I don't know what I am going to do. Please if any of you still read my blog, please pray for me.
I also have alot of emotional things going on that have had me crying most of the day. I am going through some issues with one of my daughers that I'm not ready to get into yet. Maybe the next time I post, or tomorrow I will come on to get it off my chest. I can't bring it back up tonite, I can't deal with thinking too much about it right now.
Please pray for me and my family, we really need a miracle.
Soft Hugs to All
Laurie D.

Hello everyone, I am back again.

Hi,
Once again, I haven't been on for a while. I know I had posted about being in the hospital, and now I am going from one doctor to another and one test after another. It wears me out and by the time I get home I can barely check my e-mail to see if I had any Avon orders. Even something that seems this simple is wearing me out.
My pain management doctors have changed my medications, unfortunately they increased my dose 2 weeks ago, and on Saturday I ran out. Needless to say, with the meds I take, I went through horrible withdrawl. I had an appointment with him today, and I am finally feeling a bit better.
I had to see a Cardiologist, I saw him last week. He seemed very concerned and I wasn't happy with the look on his face when he was reading my hospital records. (He has been my husband's cardiologist for years, and his son and my son are friends, so I kind of know his expressions). He wants me to get a stress test, I am not sure if I will be able to hold up long enough on the treadmill to get my heart rate up. My legs are getting worse and worse. He also order a "Bubble Test" I am not exactly sure what that is, but he said he will inject bubbles into my heart to see if I have a hole in my heart, and I think he said he can tell if I may have had a mild stroke with the test as well. I just can't connect the two. How can your heart tell you if you've had a neurological problem? Needless to say, I am a bit scared. I've also been snapping at everyone around me. Especially my husband. Some of it is justified, but other times it's not.
Last night the kitchen was a disaster. Everyone one else was getting ready for bed and just ignoring it. They knew I wasn't feeling well, they knew I was having withdrawl syptoms and I am supposed to be taking it easy. I got so disgusted I finally got up and cleaned it. By the time I was done, I was light headed, dizzy, nauseas and I just felt horrible. I made it a point to talk to all of them today and really stress the fact that last night was unacceptable and I need help around here. I can't do it all alone, and they need to step up to the plate and help. Guess what. Everyone is asleep and I just got done cleaning the kitchen. I just don't get it. I understand they are "boys", you notice I didn't say "men" but I have to find someway to get through to them. It's not just me being a clean freak, I am far from that. I can deal with a little clutter, and things out of place. I have 4 kids, I got used to it. But leaving dirty dishes and pots and pans on the stove with food in them goes beyond "messy". It's filth! If I let it go, we'll have several science experiments growing in the kitchen! That isn't healthy for any of us. That's not the only thing. My son and I are allergic to dust  and no one else dusts the house but me. I just can't deal with this much more. I sometimes wish I would hit the lottery, not for alot of money, just enough to get ahead and hire a maid to keep the place clean.
Oh well, it's a nice dream anyway.
I am also getting discouraged with selling Avon. My sons go out and put brochures on all the doors in the neighborhood. I've gotten 2 orders from the neighborhood, 2 from my mother, 1 from my father (because I told him about a watch my mom likes and I told him to get it for her for christmas) 1 from my sister, and 1 from a friend. That's 7 orders in 2 months. And, none of the orders were very large, so I really didn't make anything after I had to order new brochures and supplies. Oh, I forgot, I did get 3 on-line orders, but Avon puts that on your account to help pay any balance or future balance.
Oh well, that's the way life goes sometimes and when God is ready for my life to settle down, it will settle down. I have a friend who is a minister's wife, she tells me I have Job syndrome. That's OK with me. I know how the book of Job ends. Or, like Mother Theresa said "God doesn't give us more than we can handle. I just wish he didn't trust me so much."
I hope anyone reading this is doing well, if your not, keep your faith, whatever faith that may be and everything will work out the way it is supposed to.
Soft Hugs to All
Laurie D.

Sorry for the disappearing act.

I know I haven't posted for a while, and it was driving me nuts.
First, I was in the hospital. It started on Thurs 10/15, I woke up and my left ankle and foot were swollen to twice the size of my right foot. I just elevated it and took my pain meds as usual. You know, I am used to being in pain, so I just thought this was another fibro flair. But, when I woke on Friday morning, my entire left side was painful and numb at the same time. My ankle and foot were still swollen and painful, but also a numb tingling feeling at the same time. Also, the right side of my face was numb. I was concerned, but this is something I've had before, my neurologist diagnosed me with MIMS, Migraine with Impaired Motor Skills. I just put it off as that. As the day went on, I started having more and more symptoms. Lightheaded, dizzy, felt like the room was spinning, ears popping and then feeling disoriented, and this overwhelming feeling that I NEED to take a nap. Not just that usual fatigue that fibro-mites get so we go lay down. This was overwhelming. My husband and youngest son had already left to go camping with the scouts for the weekend. I was home with my oldest son (17) and his friend from scouts. My son started pleading with me to go to the hospital to get checked out. Of course, being stubborn I argued with him that I just need to lay down to take a nap and I'll see how I feel later. He is just as stubborn as I am, and wasn't letting me get away with that. Finally, he told me he was scared. As a mother, you never want your kids to be afraid. So I went to the ER. It turned out that it was a good thing I did. When I got to the ER, they were taking their good ole time, as usual. Until my bloodwork came back. Then the nurse came in and said "Now you've done it! You went and bought yourself a bed". As soon as she pulled the curtains back, I had doctors, nurses, aides, interns, everyong swarming around me with IV's, heart monitors, and got me to the telemetry unit quickly. It turns out my electrolytes were bottomed out. My potassium, magnesium, calcium, and blood sugar were dangerously low. Potassium, regulates your heart and kidneys. They told me Potassium should be 5 and I was 2. They tested me for blood clots in my legs, my carotid arteries, and a CT of the brain to see if I had a mild stroke. I will give you a warning, if you ever have to get IV Potassium, it BURNS like hell!! My arm was red and it felt like it was on fire as it went in!! They packed my arm in ice and slowed down the drip to take away some of the burn, but it didn't help much. I was not very happy with the care I recieved and neither were my primary care doctor or my pain management doctors. They didn't order any of my regular meds, even though I took in the meds in their original bottles to show them that this is what I take, I started going through withdrawl because they stopped 2 of my pain meds, and my anti-depressant. Even though my electrolytes were low, and my EKG was abnormal, they never ordered a cardiology consult. Then my primary doctor told me that I never should have been released last monday. My levels and my EKG were still very abnormal. I got a survey today from the hospital today, I guess you already figured out how I filled that out.
To make matters worse, I came home on Monday (remember, my son and his friends were at the house alone all weekend) the house was a mess, and my laptop was fried. I haven't been able to go on my laptop for over a week. Since I sell AVON, I need to access my e-mail for orders, and check my on-line store for orders. I also need to get on my web office. It turns out that it was a simple fix, but my lazy husband kept putting off calling Toshiba for tech support. I would have been on last week if he called sooner.
He's another pain in my butt. I've been run down for a while now, and I do my best to keep the house clean and neat and smelling nice. I not only came home to a mess (which you expect from teenagers), but it has stayed a mess until today when I finally said F it, and got up and cleaned it myself. Believe me, the entire time I was cleaning I made sure I made nasty remarks about him not helping me until he finally got off his butt and started some laundry. Now lets see how long it takes before he folds the clothes.
Well, that's been my adventure for the month. I hope you all were much better than me.
Soft Hugs to All
Laurie D.

Stop the world, I wan't to get off!!!

How's the song go? It was late September.....Oh what a night! Well, it is mid October...Oh what a night and a day!
First, last night, and then again this morning, Fibro-fog got the best of me. I let it get to me and it took hold and wouldn't let go. My husband works the over-night shift. His paycheck goes in midnight wed/thur so basically 12:01Am Thurs. I gave him a list of things we need (he works at wal-mart, it's financially dangerous for us). I woke up at 4:30 in the morning (just one of the many wake-ups last night), but at that time, I couldn't remember what day it was. I was so confused and disoriented, I thought it was Tuesday and I thought I had given him the note on the wrong night and he would go shopping and over-draw the account. I called him in a panic. When he told me it was OK, that it was Thurs morning, I started to cry like a baby. I got so upset. I am, or was, a very intelligent woman. I am very proud of the fact that I went to a premier, girls only, high school in Phila. that you have to have a certain IQ and pass several tests to get into. Now, I feel like a babbling, bumbling idiot. I hate that this is taking my mind away. I can't remember what day it is. I call my kids by my cat's names, I can't speak an entire sentence without stammering to think of the next word I want to use. I hate it! I hate it! I hate it! I am throwing a temper tantrum.
To make matters worse, and I am requesting that you all boy-cot Wachovia Bank, I went to check the bank this morning, and most of my husband pay is already gone. Not enough left to pay the car payment and buy food for 2 weeks, or even food for a few days. I found out that Wachovia has certain policies that were not explained when we opened our account. You are supposed to read through the 20 page document that is in little tiny print, full of legal jargon that most lawyers can't understand. Here is what happened. Deep Breath! I follow and post in my check registery religiously. I know that my mind is going, so I carry it with me, and as soon as we make a purchase or write a check, I write it in my registry, get out my calculator, and write in the new balance. That is what I go by to determine what we can spend. Well, just an FYI, that is not the way Wachovia posts to your account. They don't post transactions in chronological order. They post from highest amount to lowest amount and, purchases get posted before deposits. So, on Tues. we had a small amount in the bank, I made 3 very small purchases, (ex: $1.10 for my prescription co-pay) I marked them all in my registry, leaving us with about $6.00 left in the bank. We then made 2 credit purchases which have not yet hit our account. Last night, my husband made a purchase at about 12:15. We should be good, his check goes in at midnight. NOOOOOO! Our beginning balance was 6 something, they posted the 25 something purchase that he made last night first, over drawing our account. then they posted the 3 purchases we made on the 13th, now we have 4 over drafts, then they considered the 2 credit purchases (which are not posted to our account, they are in a holding pattern) as over drafts, then hit us with $175.00 in fees, THEN put my husbands pay check in the bank. I spent over 4 hours on the phone with different people, arguing with them because they tell you to "carefully follow your register", but they don't post that way. They said this was not a bank error, it is my error because I should have paid attention to the "past patterns" of the way Wachovia posts their accounts and I would have known that they post highest to lowest because they assume that the highest amount is the most important purchase you've made, so they pay that first. I told them that the 25.00 that my husband spent last night is the least important, but that $1.10 is the most important because that was paying for my medication. I have insurance so I don't have to pay alot for medicine, but now my meds have cost me 36.10 rather than 1.10 because they are ASSES!! I kept asking for the next highest supervisor, and one woman told me there was no one higher than her. I asked her if she signs her own paychecks. She wouldn't answer me, so I kept asking her that and finally she said "No", so I said fine, I want the person who signs your paycheck. The president, the CEO, anyone who has authority to refund those fees. She refused to put me through to her supervisor. With that, I hung up, called the Attorney Generals office, explained the situation, they referred me to the consumer protection department and I filed a complaint against them. Next, I have to send notice to Wachovia's corporate office to inform them of the complaint. I needed to vent first before I deal with any more of this so I came here.
I don't need this stress. It's cold, rainy, I'm in pain, I've had a toothache for 3 days now, I've used 2 full tubes of ora-gel and this is making me feel worse.
We have had more problems with Wachovia in the 6 months that we have had them, then we ever had in the years that we were with Commerce. We changed when they became TD, because they changed their policies about the accounts we had.
I will NEVER recommend Wachovia to anyone. I will tell them to run as far in the opposite direction as they can.
That is why I want to get off, so could someone please find the brakes for the earths orbit and stop it, just for a few seconds while I get off.

Soft Hugs to All
Laurie D.

I hope you are all having a better day than I am.

What an oxymoron we are.

I say this because we are Insomniacs with Chronic Fatigue. What!?! How can you be both? I just think it is funny when you tell someone that you have been up most of the night from insomnia, and when they ask you to go out you tell them you don't have enough energy because of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, they look at you like you have 3 heads.
I have not slept for several nights. Today, I can't wake up. I have been trying to stay up long enough to get through my sons homework. That is why I came on the computer to try to occupy myself enough to stay awake.
I could not get to sleep last night if my life depended on it. It was about 3:30 or 4 when I finally fell asleep, and I had to get back up at 5:30 to get my son up for school. I got up again at  8 when my husband came into the bedroom to sleep (he works the overnight shift) and I only stayed awake long enough to go from the bed to the couch. I slept on the sofa all day. I didn't hear my phone ring, I didn't hear my door bell when my AVON partner stopped by, I didn't get up until about 6:30 when my husband got me up so I could help my son. I am struggling to stay awake now. I have to get my husband up at 9 for work. As soon as he is out of that bed, I am going to be in it!!
My doc added to more meds for pain yesterday. One is an ointment that you rub on for sore muscles and joints, it works pretty well. Voltarin Ointment. The other is Soma. I am wondering if the meds are making me so tired.
Oh well, I should just be greatful for the sleep.

I hope everyone is well. I haven't been feeling well enough to check in on everyone's blog and I apologize. I will get back on track soon. I am not dealing well with the seasonal change. I'm sure I will be able to catch up with everyone soon.
Soft Hugs to All
Laurie D.

Update on my son.

I wrote a few days ago about my oldest son. He hurt his knee playing football, and the ER said he fractured his knee cap.

I made him an appointment with an orthopod as soon as possible. We took the x-rays and the report with us. It turns out that the doctor does not think that he broke his knee on Sunday, but it looks like one of two things. It is either an old fracture (the ER doctor mentioned this also). This could be possible, last year he was playing football (the end-zone was a concrete walk-way--boys, you gotta love them) he landed on his knee on the concrete and split it open. We had to go pick him up, took him to the ER, they stitched up the knee, but never took an x-ray of it.
Or, the other possibilit is called a "bi-partate patella". The doctor explained to us that as babies our patella is cartledge and it hardens into bone. Some people, the patella heals in 2 pieces rather than forming together. This is quite possible with my son. He has had other bone anomalies. He had cranial stenosis as a baby. The seams of the skull and the soft spot on his head healed long before they were supposed to. He had to have surgery, a craniectomy, to re-build his skull. (talk about a stressful time for me). and he has a weird shaped rib.
He was supposed to get an MRI, but during the appointment questioning, I remembered he has aneurysm clips in his head from the craniectomy. They are 17 years old, so we don't know if they are metallic or not. We don't want to take any chances so he can't have an MRI.
The doctors office called me back today to tell me to schedule a CT scan and give me the pre-cert number for his insurance. This will tell us if it is a fracture or a bi-partate patella, and it will also tell us why his knee is swollen and has some fluid in it.
The problem I am having now, is getting him to wear the immobilizer. He hates it. My son is 6'1" 220 lbs of solid rock. I can't even wrestle him down to make him wear it.
By the way, he won the driver's test fight. Unfortunately, he failed the test. He went too far over the white line at 2 stop signs. Oh well, we will re-schedule.
I will keep you updated when we have more info on his knee.

Soft Hugs to All
Laurie D.

I have a very bad habit.

I feel like it has been forever since I have been here to blog. I have a very bad habit of putting WAY TOO MUCH on my plate. I can do 1 or 2 things and I am fine. I think, I'm doing OK, no big deal if I try to do this too. OK, a little more energy to spend, but I'm getting through. Before I know it, I have so many things going on at once that I feel out of control.
I have always been a "multi-tasker". My best friend used to tell me to take the big red "S" off my chest. She would remind me that it is OK to ask for help or to admit that I can't do it all, and give something up.
Well, I've done it again. Only this time, I look at what I have going on and it seems like nothing compared to what I used to do. I feel like a baby whining about the small things that are wiping me out.
I have a small pile of forms that have to be filled out for my health insurance, my disability insurance, my sons permit, I have to make an appointment for a CT for my son (I'll explain that in a minute), and a form to fill out to order checks. I was only on my second form this morning, and I was falling asleep while I was writing. My husband kept telling me to go back to bed because I didn't sleep last night. I had to keep reminding him that these forms NEED to be filled out. I was aggravated because he would tell me to go to bed, but do you think he would offer to help me fill out the forms? NO. He is very good with helping me and understanding my pain in some ways, but others I just want to scream at him. I can't get him to help me where I really need help.
Along with taking care of all the family forms, doctors appointments, calling in prescriptions, cleaning the kitchen and living room, folding the towels (I hate the way my husband folds towels), I also want to blog as often as possible, and I recently started an Avon business because we are really stretching our money thin.
I finally gave in to my body, and went to sleep. This morning, I cleaned the kitchen and livingroom before I started the paper work. When I woke up, my house looked like a Texas Trailer Park after a Tornado. I was so upset at the mess that was made, and it was only my husband and my youngest son at home when I got up. How can 2 people make such a mess in so short a time? My kitchen is a mess, and my husband is on a clear liquid diet today (he is having a colonoscopy tomorrow). How can you make a mess when all you need to do is dirty 2 cups, 1 for your drink, and 1 for your broth. Maybe a bowl for jello. I don't get it. I also had to get his prep ready, and stay on top of him because he wasn't paying attention or following the directions for his prep. I don't need this. I have been in alot of pain with the change in the weather. The cold has been really causing me to have a great deal of pain in my joints and my muscles in general. This stress isn't helping. I think I just need to get rid of the husband and I might be able to multi-task again. LOL.
God Bless you All
Soft Hugs to All
Laurie D.

Can't call out sick, Part 2

As I posted in my original blog "Can't call out sick from this job", no matter how we feel, we must always be on duty.

Yesterday, my pain levels were off the chart, and Chronic Fatigue had a very tight grip on me. I spent most of my day in bed.

Now, I need to back track.
About a week ago, my 17 year old son was playing football, and got tackled and his knee hurt or about a day. Then this Sunday, he was playing football again, and got tackled right at the knees and this time, his knee not only really hurt, but it swelled up as well. Since he was able to walk on it, we decided to ice his knee, have him keep the leg elevated for a while and we would make a decision from there.

Yesterday, his knee was no better. Finally, we made the decision to take him to the ER. So, it didn't matter how much pain I was in, or how tired I was, I had to get dressed, pull myself together and go to the ER to take care of my son.
After they X-rayed his knee, they told us his knee cap was fractured. Split right down the middle. However, the doctor said it looked like an old fracture, and not like something that had recently happened. While discussing this with the doctor, my son reminded me of another time about a year and a half ago, he was playing football (on concrete) and he busted his knee open. When we went to the ER that time, they never did an x-ray, they just cleaned up the knee and sutured the cut. After telling the doctor about this last night, she felt that this is most likely when he originally fractured the knee, and the hits he took over the past week or so aggravated it.
They immobilized his leg, gave him crutches, and tomorrow we have to take him to see an Ortho doc.
To add insult to injury, he is scheduled to take his drivers exam tomorrow morning, and it is his right knee that he hurt. He is insisting that if he has been able to walk around with a fractured knee cap for more than a year, he can tolerate it for another 15 or 20 minutes to take his test. He REALLY wants his drivers lisence.
I haven't made my final decision yet on whether or not I will let him take the test.
Between both of my sons, I have appointments every day for the next week. Like I said, "You just can't call out sick from this job!"
Soft Hugs to All
Laurie D.